


Freed from Desire

by Pameluke



Category: Spartacus Series (TV), Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Spartacus: Vengeance
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, F/F, F/M, Flogging, Rape, Slavery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-26
Updated: 2013-03-26
Packaged: 2017-12-06 13:03:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pameluke/pseuds/Pameluke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the entire history of human desire takes about seventy minutes to tell. unfortunately, we don't have that kind of time</p>
            </blockquote>





	Freed from Desire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [electrumqueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/electrumqueen/gifts).



> Based on [the prompt](http://selonbrody.livejournal.com/83245.html?thread=683309#t683309) by electrumqueen at the [spartacus ficathon](http://selonbrody.livejournal.com/83245.html)
> 
> Thanks to Shannon for the read-over, all remaining mistakes are obviously my own.
> 
> Title inspired by the song of the same name by Gala.

> _She buries her toes in the sand beneath her. Alfher pales a bit when she bears her teeth at him. He's intimidated, as well he should be. He's not a fighter, and neither was she, but she's different now. She has killed, she has raged, and she is free. She wants to fight, wants to win. So she'll make victory hers. She buries her toes deeper into the sand. She's Mira, and she's ready._
> 
> _"Begin."_

 

When she's a newborn, the only thing she wants is food and sleep, and her mother provides her with everything she wants. She's a quiet but happy baby, and her family loves her.

When she's three, she wants to know everything. How the mud feels between her toes when she lets it dry (sticky). What is so delicious about the water from the big amphorae that only her parents can drink (she doesn't know, because when she tried to get some, the amphora fell over, the water spilled on the ground, and it mostly tasted like mud. She does know spilling water will get her spanked, so she doesn't try again). How fast she can roll off the highest hill in the fields surrounding the village (so fast it's almost scary). She wants to know everything, wants to see everything, wants to see everything, and her family despairs of her, but loves her still.

When she's four, the Romans come, and she's never allowed to want anything again. It's a hard lesson to learn, because she only wants her family. Her stern father who gave good hugs; her mother who gave her an extra helping of the honey-sweetened porridge which was her favorite; her older brother who slept in her bed when she had nightmares; her baby sister who mostly cried, but who she still loved. She wants the safety of her family, but she's all alone.

 

> _Alfher might not be a fighter, but he doesn't go down easily. He's got height and weight on her, and his punches are uncontrolled, but hurt nevertheless. There's bile rising in her mouth, but she won't go down, won't give up. She wants to win, to roar with victory, and she'll make it happen. She's done with giving up, with men slapping her around. She saved Spartacus, she killed men, she learned the bow. She is Mira, and she can do everything she wants. And she wants to win. So she will._

 

When she's seven, she still misses her family, but she's forgotten their faces. She knows the faces of her fellow house-slaves, the faces of the guards. She knows the face of her Domina, even though she's not allowed to look up. She wanted to know though.

When she's nine, she breaks the rules. She's not allowed to eat in front of the masters, she's not allowed to touch the masters’ food, and she was supposed to be cleaning the baths. But Cook had been preparing figs cooked in wine and honey, and she thinks they were the favorite dish of her mother -- if she focuses on the smell she can nearly imagine her mother’s smile. She wants to taste them, make herself remember more, so she sneaks some away. She doesn't remember anything better after eating them, but the figs are delicious. She wants more.

When she's ten she gets caught. Not by Domina, or she'd have lost her hand, but by the Vilicus. Mira didn't deal with him often, she mostly followed orders by the other slaves responsible for keeping the house in order. She liked him well enough, he has a kind voice that he never raises, and he doesn't pretend he's done the work of others. So Mira isn't really afraid when he catches her with some salted pork in her hands she's not allowed to touch. She expects to be reprimanded, maybe given extra chores. That changes when he takes her to the cellar, shackles her to the wall, and she sees the look upon his face. His voice doesn't change when he tells her he'll have her hand if he catches her again. It doesn't change when he lashes her and tells her she's lucky he was the one that caught her. It doesn't change when he tells her she's a slave and her lot in life is to obey and to serve. It doesn't change when he tells her she can't want anything. It still hasn't changed when she can't understand what he's saying anymore through the pain, and she can only hear the blood rushing in her ears and the slaps of the lash when it hits her skin. She doesn't want anything anymore after that.

> _The weight of Spartacus' eyes is on her while she jumps on Alfhers back. She can feel him watching her while Alfher throws her over his head and she hits the ground hard. There's laughter and cheering, but she keeps seeing him in the corners of her eyes, catches glimpses of his smiling face while she tries to gain control over Alfher. She doesn't want this. He doesn't want her. Not like she wants him. She wants his heart because she has given him hers. She feels empty, and she doesn't want to feel like this. No more men for her, except getting Alfher on the sand. She's Mira and she still wants to win the fight. Not for Spartacus' eyes, but for her._

When she's fourteen she catches the eye of one of Dominus' friends, and together with 3 batches of grain she's sold. She's on the back of the cart when they arrive in the city. The sounds and smells are new and a bit frightening; she's never been in one before. She almost wants to look around, see where the smells are coming from, but she doesn't. She's done wanting. Her new Domina looks upon her with disgust, orders her washed and clothed. When she inspects her later, feels the roughness of her hands, the skinniness of her thighs, the small swell of her breasts, she still looks disapproving, orders her fed well, and assigns her to the public rooms. Mira goes where she is told, does as she is ordered, and doesn't want a thing.

She's fifteen when Dominus orders her to his room for the first time. He tells her to drop her clothing so she does. He tells her not to move, so she doesn't. Not when he strokes her back. Not when he tweaks her nipple. She only moves when he tells her to stroke his cock, but only to do that. She has no idea if she's doing it right, nothing like this was ever asked of her, but he doesn't seem displeased so she pushes her fear away. He tells her to lie on the bed and he spreads her legs when she does, pulls her closer to him by her thighs. She stares at the ceiling when he starts thrusting, willing herself to ignore the pain and not make any sound. She doesn't want this, doesn't want to be here, doesn't want his touch upon her flesh. But not wanting is the same as wanting, and she can't do that. So she swallows the bile rising up in her throat. She's a slave, to do with as her Dominus wants. She doesn't want a thing.

She's twenty-one when Dominus dies and she's sold to House Batiatus. Nothing much changes during the day. She cleans, she sets tables with food, she assists Domina where necessary. She catches glimpses of the gladiators once in a while, hears the other house-slaves tell tales of Crixus the undefeated, hears them gossiping about the sizes of their cocks, hears them giggling about their stamina. She's not interested in the gossip nor in the gladiators. She just does as she is told. Her nights do change however. No longer is she called to serve her Dominus; Batiatus seems to prefer his wife and other bodyslaves. She doesn't want to, but she still feels relieved. It's a heady feeling, but she can't keep it at bay. She still doesn't want anything, but she takes comfort in the little things.

She's twenty-two when Domina calls upon her and orders her to strip her clothes. She feels her stomach turning, but obeys nevertheless. Domina doesn't seem impressed but sends her down to please Spartacus anyway. She has no interest in the gladiators still, and if she'd still wish for things, she'd wish one of the other slaves who does would have been picked in her stead. But she doesn't wish, doesn't want, so she simply goes down to the ludus. She's not the only one who doesn't want however. She doesn't please him, she doesn't hold his desire, and she'd feel rejected if she cared enough. But she's mostly stunned that gladiators are allowed to want things, to say no, to have a choice. She wishes she was a gladiator and can't push down the thought, no matter how hard she tries. He speaks of his wife with love and desire, and she wishes someone cared for her that way. He cries in her arms for his lost friend, and she wonders if someone would cry for her. She tries to stop, nothing good has ever come from wanting things, but every time Domina sends her down, she wants more.

> _Alfher is choking her when Saxa manages to kick him down. Her heart is beating too hard with excitement and fear and desire. She won't back down, won't give up. She wants to win, and curse the gods, so she will. She kicks him in the groin and feels elated. He throws her on the ground and she feels furious. Saxa holds him down by his arms, she kicks him on the head, and suddenly she's victorious. She won. She bested him. She's feels nothing but joy. She's Mira, she can fight, she can win, and she can get what she wants._

She's twenty-two when Spartacus wants her to kill the guard. She's afraid for her life and that of the other slaves. His plan has no chance of succeeding; they will all die because of it. But he asked for her name, trusted her with his secrets and pain. He made her want again, and it's like all the bottled up desires of years passed have suddenly come to the fore. She wants to run, have choices, eat the food she wants. She wants to be able to say no when she doesn't desire someone; wants be able to say yes if she does. She's filled with dreams and desire and so much wanting she can't bear it anymore. So she say yes, but takes what she wants first. It's the first time she feels lust, the first time she acts upon desire for another person. It's the first time in 18 eighteen years Mira gets what she wants, and it's glorious.

> _Saxa kisses her, and she's too joyful to really feel angry about it, even though she swore no one would ever touch her without her invitation again. But they won the fight together, and people are cheering them on, and Saxa is holding her hand up in the air in celebration. Saxa kissed her and Mira isn't really sure how she feels. It never crossed her mind before that women could kiss other women, that women could desire other women. She wonders, if maybe this could be something she wants. She thinks about it while Crixus and Agron fight. Watches if any of the women disappear into the temple together while the feast dies down. Some do, and Mira can't help but want that, a companion to share the night, someone's arms to find comfort in. A part of her still wants Spartacus, but she thinks she could want someone else as well. She's Mira, she's free, and she wants to try._

She's twenty-three when she dies.


End file.
